“The hard part is, one day you wake up and realize that your husband/wife
has become a total stranger”
Life is like a chemical reaction, every single thing trying to balance itself
out with its fellow kind, other kind, or it surrounding environment.
I would say that the greatest miracle God ever did was the miracle of integration
and the most complex in this category being the miracle of marriage.
“No, we didn't manage,
there was just reason and we built on that reason, prayed for Jehovah’s wisdom
to balance out every new behavior; we learn and we grow”
I have been friends with this old Yoruba folk in my recent resident, mostly I
usually help him out with his research works as he fondly called me 'Oba'.
Sometimes I even helped him out with the grocery when he had no one around and
I'm probably having a free time. So, last week when I pinned down my article
'WHAT IS CONTROL?' I decided to have some friendly chat with him in the evening
when he was out in the court yard taking some fresh air as he usually called
it. As the conversation progressed, I advanced, "Daddy, what has been the
secrete behind the unity and understanding between your wife and you all these
years of marriage up until this point?" he smiled in his old wrinkled face,
"it was not always peaceful, but we survived". You see that boy, he
said with a typical Yoruba accent pointing to the little boy in the courtyard,
he's our first great-grand child, they are here on holiday. My son's daughter
had him out of wed-luck. I recently picked a fight with my wife over him, he
said in almost a whisper. Oh! Not actually a fight, just an argument he said
and smiled again. As old as we both are, for all the years we've lived
together, there are times when she's a total stranger; I still have not been
able to fully understand her. How then have you been able to manage through
with it all along? I said in an effort to make him hit the point. Manage? No,
we didn't manage, there was just reason and we built on that reason, prayed for
Jehovah’s wisdom to balance out every new behavior; we learn and we grow.
The human life is in a chain of complex stages and our behaviors change along with
these stages; our character, maturity, wisdom, and understanding. We even
experience the laws of diminishing return stated in accounting, sometimes we
are inclined to Newton's law of gravity, and most often almost everything in
life is prone to Hooke's Law & Elastic Limits.
“Often times it requires great level of patience and understanding”
Permit me to base a major part of my references on the female gender, as it is
scientifically, females experience more changes in a life circle than the males
do. Now, for instance, young girls who grow into puberty experience significant
changes in behavior following the physical development of certain body organs
and conditions, they soon become more withdrawn and secretive. Even parents
will have a hard time adjusting to this new situation and formulating new and
advanced means of dealing with them. Its the same when a girl gets to lose her
virginity, because most don't do it willingly and are often been forced, raped,
or compelled by their sexual partners or friends, she faces a new phase of life
and behavior. It’s not different when a woman or a man gets married for the
first time and is faced with a new kind of setting or responsibility. When a
woman gets pregnant for the first time, when she is in labor, and when she
holds her baby for the first time changes her life entirely, the husband will
now have to deal with more than a wife and a lover but also a mother, often
times it requires great level of patience and understanding especially when she
begins to make more kids and has to share her time and love between her
husband, kids, and work. In fact, at this stage most couples begin to struggle
with their romantic lives. It’s no joke, and it’s not easy. It’s even more
difficult when financial issues set in and money becomes the center topic. One
is a spender; the other is an earner and maybe the saving machine. One is not
too worried about it; the other is frustrated. One is hard working the other is
just so lazy. One or the both are working too hard to meet up with family needs
that they don't even have time for each other anymore. And maybe all the man
does is come back from work and ask "are my kids ok, have they eaten, have
they gone to bed?" he just forgets that his wife has the same need to be
asked these same questions. Unfortunately, there could be a young guy in her
office who always notice when she's in a bad mood, when she's in a good mood,
when a dress or make-up fits, and when its time for lunch; soon they become
very good friends and she begins to confide in him, seek advice from him, and
even begin to really enjoy his company. I'm not saying anything must happen but
something may happen. It is the same with the woman who neglects her husband.
“You've sacrificed your romance to raising the kids and you think it’s
justified”
Ok, most families deal with this stage, adjust and move on, now the hard part
is, one day you wake up and realize that your husband/wife has become a total
stranger. So far you've done a good job, you've raised beautiful kids who are
now adults or almost adults, most or all have left home for college or
university and now you are coming back to the good old days, 'living together
alone ones more'. Sadly for most couples, you've forgotten how to do it, the
temptation to shut yourselves behind doors in your madam's and master's bedroom
seems to be a good idea. You've sacrificed your romance to raising the kids and
you think it’s justified, now both of you have grown apart, you've gotten so
used to the kids more than you are to yourselves and now your best friends are beginning
to leave one after the other, the one's that are around are big enough to take
care of themselves and probably don't even want you to interfere much in their
personal lives. Fine, you are really keen in fixing things up and filling up
the gap, but even your bodies have drifted from each other and not as romantic
and appealing as it used to be before, your wife is faced with menopause and it
is silently frightening the hell out of her, its even worst when trust is
lacking in the marriage, or probably has been a case of infidelity somewhere in
your past that you have failed to get over with, you think she may cheat, she
thinks you may fancy other young girls or that she's not as sexually active as
she used to be before, and you probably don't even give enough time and
patience during love making and she's finding it difficult to talk to you
especially if there's a communication bridge between you both. Psychologically,
no make up seems to make her any younger, now she's grown a bit lazy than she
used to be which is common with menopause. She's fighting this battle alone and
begins to hide her fears in self-defense, doubt and self-doubt creeps in and
her attitude has changed a lot. Please!
Very well, good job, congratulations, you've survived it and found new ways to
love each other effectively. Some time goes by and you're enjoying a good
relationship but one day news comes of your first grandchild, you're both
really happy. However, soon you realize that something is a bit at-stake, the
love and friendship you both have struggled to build some years back is a
little bit threatened, your best friend and love is beginning to fancy someone
else, 'your grandchild'. It’s a little bit like going back to the beginning when
you started having your own children for the first time. Well, not too bad, we
are already old, aren’t you?
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE SOMETHING.
No one else can hurt you better than your closet one, and no one else can show
you paradise better than your closet one. For a paradise outside and hell
inside is a double hell. And the only reason for this is because they are our
closet ones, they are the ones we have chosen, they are the ones who have
chosen to live with our weakness and strength, our insanity and our sanity,
they are our closet ones. If we run insane they are the first ones to get a
piece of the action, and oh! If we become angels they are the first ones to
take a good ride to paradise, they are our closet ones, the ones who said I do,
the ones who took a vow to stay with us for better and for worse. What ever
goes wrong they the ones we hurt, and the ones who hurt us, and when it goes
right they are the 'blessed are thou among humans'. They are the closet ones.
I like so much to make reference to what
the Holy Bible says "a man shall leave his mother and father and marry one
woman and the both of them shall become only one person".
Two different equations, already unstable, reacts, try to balance themselves
out to form a miraculously balanced equation.
"There are people who know too much that they lose track of why they
preach what they preach"
Whatever happens just know that if it works its not because we understand how
it works but because we have come to know the reason why it should work and why
it works. It’s true. I have seen people who are professionals in fixing other
peoples lives and marriages but eventually failed in there own personal lives
and marriages. When ever you hear someone say "oh, he was such a mentor,
but he disappointed me. Oh, she used to be such a good leader". When ever,
where ever you hear these words, it’s because there are people who know too
much that they lose track of why they preach what they preach. Purpose is in
the knowing of 'why' not 'how'. Trust me on this, if you know why you need to
fix your broken relationship the 'how' will come, but if you don't have a
'why', a 'reason' nothing you do will work, you will keep running round and
ending up at the same thing. Reason is the formulas. And when you have defined
your reason, then you can tap into God's infinite gifts of love and wisdom,
follow his guidelines and a miracle will happen in your lives. Amen.
Remember what doctor billings said "you must learn to love God more than
you love yourselves because human emotions alone are not enough".
DO HAVE A WONDERFUL WEEK.
THE MIRACLE OF BECOMING ONE by Ike Zion Quotes
By Ike Zion
I have heard people say "a man who loses control of his
wife has lost control of his own life", but then you'd ask "what is control?”
To be really confused, look up for the word in the dictionary. I pick up a
remote control and I can choose to change the channel or just put off the T.V,
I get an email and I can choose to read or just hit delete. Now that’s a form
of control, one you'd find in the dictionary. However, it got me thinking, last
week I walked into a cafe, and everyone is so moody and boring, it was like a
burial ceremony, I sat down with my portfolio, looked around, and caught view
of an elderly man at the far end of the corner, I smiled and waved at him, he
smiled and waved back, so also the group behind him who thought my salutation
was actually directed to them. And of a sudden, like magic, the place lightened
up. Now also, this is a form of control. But not like the first, this is an
induced form of control. I've always heard people say, "Be the change you
want to see in the world". 
